Gohan Luvr For Life
The Best Dog, Companion, and Best Friend I Could Ever Have
September 26th 1999 - August 15th 2012
I am not very happy with myself right now... I finally found out the grade for my makeup exam for school...and I failed AGAIN. As if that isn't bad enough, I still have to redo an entire math course, since I flat-out failed it as well... I was praying my makeup exam would just be barely passing (which would be 70...instead I got a 20). I had felt good about this makeup exam (though I still left a couple questions blank), I was able to answer quite a few questions--more than I did on my original exam. But apparently it wasn't enough...and now I have an F for the course itself, not just the exam... FUCK.
I'm beginning to think taking on a 4-year Veterinary Technician college course, after not being in school for 4 years, was a major mistake. The only college I've done in the past 4 years since being out of high school were small literary classes, nothing near to the capacity of the course I'm taking now. *sigh* It's a helluva lot to take in and memorize... I was doing good at first, back when I was pumped to be doing something good, but then I slacked off; since it's a "study at your own pace" online course I didn't think there was a deadline...buuut there was, and by the time I realized that, I was only months away from the deadline and I had to rush through four courses of material in time for finals. And yet, even with 2 months to prepare for a remake exam, I still flunked. Unbelievable.
It doesn't help the situation when I don't have a fucking place to work... I'm stuck at home all the time with no transportation, so my house is my "classroom". I got a new desk for Christmas, but it's been sitting in my garage--still packed--because my dogs' kennels occupy the spare bedroom, along with some of my cousin's junk that she left with us two years ago, so I haven't had any space to put my desk. So, the only place I've had to "study" is on the couch, with a tiny TV tray to hold my books, papers, and laptop; it's totally uncomfortable, sitting hunched-over and cross-legged to make as much room as you can, while have to lift move/lift papers and books off each other so you can read and write. Add being trampled by 2 high-energy puppies to that equation. It's hard to find the drive/motivation to work or study when you have no quiet, spacious place to do so... So it's just been easier for me to leave my books and papers on the sidelines and just stay on my computer doing whatever I wanted to do. But of course, if I tell this to my mother, she'd just say I'm making excuses and say "I told you so". Not that she believed or said I couldn't do this, but she constantly asked me time and time again, "Are you caught up, are you ready, are you good?" and I would tell her yes, because I honestly thought I could get myself caught up and be okay. But being the terrible procrastinator that I am, it never happened, and now I have my entire family's beady eyes on me, waiting to hear if I've failed or passed. My grandmother spent over $1,000 for my tuition, and if I want to continue and pass the course, it'll cost my family even more money... So yeah, I'm pretty pissed/sick with myself right now.
Being in this school made me feel good about myself, like I was actually doing something more with my time and life other than just sitting in my room, writing and drawing my days away. I don't want to quit, but with the rut I've gotten myself in, even if I do manage to get this semester straightened out and move on to the 2nd, my work-load is going to be twice as much to make up for skimping out on this semester...
Other than school, though, nothing else seems to be going right... My family situation is just deplorable. Besides discovering one of my cousins has cancer (lymphoma), things have gotten so tense and horrid, I can't even stand to be around certain members of my family right now... If I even so much as anticipate talking/seeing them, my mood will literally drop like an anvil and I'll be short-tempered and depressed for the rest of the day... Even situations with my "best friend" are rough, even since she bailed out on me when we put my old dog down months ago; she agreed she'd go with me and my mom to support us when we put our dog down (she knew the day and time), I email her a few days before it happens to see if she's still up for it, and she says she FORGOT and made plans with a girl she was briefly "best friends" with in high school--who was only a needy, selfish, critical bitch toward her--and they've since rekindled their friendship. It was that girl's only day off work, so my "best friend" didn't want to cancel their plans. Though it turned out to be nice that she didn't come so my mom and I could grieve in our own way, the fact my friend bailed out on me in such a delicate, emotional time in my life really made me question things. It happened again when my mother and I were on our weekend reprieve at the coast last November; my friend always stayed at my house and cared for my cats. Well, this last time, apparently, she didn't stay at our house like we thought she would; she only stopped by twice a day to feed my cats and one of them ended up getting sick. He had diarrhea and puked all over the house because he wasn't used to going nearly 12 hours without food (I feed him four times a day, small amounts, for a cat's digestive system is built to this sort of diet) and my friend just texted me saying, "Oh, Smokey had an accident and pooped and puked all over the house" like it was nothing... So my mom and I came home to a house that had little spots of puke and diarrhea... Because apparently, my "best friend" had more important things to do... It just pissed me off and I haven't been able to get over it since, and feeling unappreciated by her doesn't help, either. I may not be the greatest friend in the world, but I still put up with a lot of crap from her; if she needed someone to talked to, I was there in a heartbeat, whether she wanted to take a walk in the middle of the night to talk or whatever, I was there. If she was feeling depressed, I would try to cheer her up, but she would be too cynical and pessimistic to at least TRY and act cheerful--when she was the one who wanted to "hang out" in the first place. It's like, "I understand that you're having some problems, and I'm here for you if you need me, but seriously? If you're going to invite yourself over and just act like a pessimistic grouch, no matter what I say or do, without even so much as saying 'thanks for listening', then maybe you should go to pout to someone else." After all, that's what her "best friend" was there for in high school, I guess... I wasn't there to stop her from cutting, but that other "friend" was. I guess she could relate to her more than she could me because I didn't/don't cut myself or get clinically depressed... It's just like with my grandmother and how she is with my cousin... My cousin is a convicted felon and a druggy who's fallen off the wagon time and time again and even stole from her, and yet he lives under her roof for free while she turns the other way and believes everything he says and that he's just swell. The same with my uncle (he isn't a druggy but he lives there for free doesn't pay any bills and walks all over my grandmother and gets drunk), and yet to my grandmother, he is freaking God while everything my mother does is wrong, irresponsible, or a flat-out burden; if we ask her for $20 for gas, she throws a fucking fit but if my cousin or uncle ask for money for something, oh they don't have to tell her, she'll happily give it to them. It's like, what? Do we HAVE to be total fuck-ups to get an easy ride?! Do we need to start doing drugs and become alcoholics in order for her to take us in under her roof and say, "Oh don't worry you can live here for free and have all the privileges as if it's your house and I won't question anything"?! FUCK.
*sigh* All this, remarkably, has made me miss my late uncle Bill a lot more than I did when he first died... My other uncle (that I mentioned just a couple sentences up) has always been the golden child in my grandmother's eyes, and it was always my mom and uncle Bill who were left to be sort of the "black sheep". Well, now he's gone, and it's me and my mom to be the "black sheep" of two generations... My uncle Bill was always that cushion we could fall back on, though I never realized it beforehand until recently... I didn't cry when he died (because I don't like to cry in front of people, I don't know why, it's a pride thing), but a couple months ago I finally broke down and cried in front of my mom saying I missed him a lot. We both feel real alone without him; even though our family is big, it's trickled down to a minuscule size for us.
The only thing that is giving me happiness/an escape these days is reading, writing, art, and my best friend/ex-boyfriend, who is still 1,000 miles away. But, he makes me smile at the end of my day, however shitty it was, so I'm grateful for that.
On top of all this... My Chemical Romance--my favorite band--BROKE UP. WHYY?! T_T Well, whatever the reason, I wish them the best of luck... I'm going to miss those guys so much. They're truly a special band. I started listening to them in high school and they've always been known as my "happy music". Yes, their music makes me HAPPY. It didn't make me want to slit my wrists or kill myself; it made me HAPPY, got me energized, and made my outlook on things more positive. It was like being on a high--a musical high. Of course, I had/have a crush on Gerard Way, so that kinda added to it, too lol
To my Watchers: I apologize for the major surge in photography spam lately!! It's so much easier to upload photos than it is to actually draw something... I've been thinking of opening a photography account, depending on how my "travels" are in the next year or so, because my account here is being overrun with photography; I have more photos than I have art!!
WritingTo my FictionPress.com and Fanfiction.net followers:
I'm so sorry I haven't been active at all! Lacuna Oneiric is kind of at a stand-still now, simply because I'm stuck on one chapter and can't get out of it, the same with DBZ Black Moon and DBZ LEGEND RISING. I've actually been doing a lot of writing recently, but it's all been on my original novel Whisperer, just because I've gotten the kick of inspiration from the newest book(s) I've read (Divergent and Insurgent by Veronica Roth--pick them up!!)
= Is active and going smoothly!
= Taking my time
= Progress is slow
= On the backburner/in brainstorm process
= Yet to be written
DragonBall Z Fanfiction*All fan-fiction will be posted on Fanfiction.net*
DBZ UNDERWORLD RISING SAGA
Story Universe: Foundation Arc
DBZ LEGEND RISING:
DBZ MIRAI RISING:
DBZ FENRIR RISING:
DBZ UNDERWORLD SAGA
Story Universe: Foundation Arc
DBZ UNDERWORLD BOOK I:
DBZ UNDERWORLD BOOK II:
DBZ UNDERWORLD BOOK III:
DBZ UNDERWORLD BOOK IV:
DBZ UNDERWORLD BOOK V:
DBZ MOIRAI TRILOGY
Story Universe: Alternative Arc
DBZ Black Moon:
DBZ Dark Star:
Story Universe: Alternative Arc
DBZ Black Dawn:
Original Short Stories & Novels
Genre: Romance, drama, mystery, werewolf/fantasy
Type: Original Novel/Young Adult
Genre: Drama, romance, fantasy/werewolf, action, mystery
Moon Child Trilogy
Type: Original Novel(s)/Young Adult
Genre: Fantasy, mystery, action, romance, drama
Type: Original Novel/Novella Collection
This is Fang signing off.
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All photography, art, writing, and other in this gallery is © Jordane "Fang" Arnold. I will give proper credit to what I don't own or am not responsible for. Please don't get on my bad side and steal anything of mine (not that I'm saying my stuff is worth stealing, I'm just reminding you people without any common sense that even on the internet there is such a thing as perjury/copyright infringement/theft.)